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Ever want to quit something? You might pride yourself in not being a quitter, but some things just suck, and aren’t worth continuing. Whether it’s a sports team with favoritism, a minimum wage job, a relationship going south faster than a prostitute on a… well you get the point.

I worked in law enforcement before I met my husband. There I met prime examples of quitters on a daily basis. Here, I take their advice.

1. Lie. No white lies allowed. Big lies. Lie a lot. Lie to the customers, your coworkers, your probation officer, your mom, your kids, your boyfriend or girlfriend. Lie non-stop. And along with lying, tell the truth about things you previously told white lies about. “Yes, those jeans make you look fat”. “No, I don’t want to hang out”. “Yes, you can come over and we can do the dirty with my roommate here.” “Your mom is a raging alcoholic, and if I come over to your house, I’ll join her and make fun of you”.

2. Steal. Steal a little, steal a lot. Steal all the time. Steal from wallets, steal from piggy banks, coin purses, and change jars. No one likes a thief. Then blame it on the dog. Or your cellie. Or your cousin’s sister’s friend with benefits.

3. Don’t show up for appointments/ scheduled times to be somewhere. This is the quickest, fool-proof way to quit anything. Unless you are a parolee volunteering for a push-over boss, you won’t get many extra chances after being MIA for long.

Now go quit something.